Saturday, January 27, 2018

The Many Ways We Mess Up Putting Matthew 18:15-17 into Practice



It’s amazing how much wisdom Jesus can pack into a few words. One example is the directions He gives us in Matthew 18:15-17:

Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.
 16 But if he won't listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.
 17 If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn't pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.

In just a few sentences, Jesus teaches us what to do when people sin against us. He gives us a method of conflict resolution. This method applies to a wide range of personal conflicts in many settings. The method involves taking 4 steps in order. If resolution is reached during one of the steps, the process ends. The four steps are:

1. A private meeting just between you and the other person.
2. A small group meeting with the two of you and one or two other people.
3. Informing the church. This step usually will begin by asking for help from leaders in the church.
4. Breaking off normal fellowship and relationship with the person in error who refuses to listen.

It sounds simple until you try to actually walk through these steps with real people in painful, complex situations. Then you quickly learn how many different ways we can mess up four simple steps. I’ve seen these mistakes, and I’ve made many of them myself.

Common Conflict Resolution Errors:

1. We immediately jump to the last step without first going through the other three steps.

This is probably the most common error. Someone offends us in some way. We then effectively cut off our relationship with them. We avoid them and we avoid talking with them. We are treating them “like an unbeliever and a tax collector”, but we haven’t done the hard work Jesus commands us to do in steps 1, 2, and 3. This harms unity in the body of Christ.

2. We involve too many people too soon.

A quick look at the steps reveals a basic principle. We should try to resolve a conflict by involving as few people as possible. When someone hurts us, we may feel tempted to talk to many people other than the person who hurt us. We may do this on the phone, via social media, or when we meet people at church or Walmart. We become gossips.  We seek to get other people on our side and to get them to be “against” the person we are in conflict with. We do all this without first meeting with the person in private and then meeting in a small group.

3. We start the steps, but we give up on the process before we finish the steps.

Restoring and maintaining peace and unity in the family of God often takes a lot of work. The Bible repeatedly urges us to “make every effort” to maintain peace. But we often get frustrated after attempting one or two of the steps and then give up.





4.  We do the steps, but not with the right attitudes.

A key passage about maintaining unity in the body of Christ is found in Ephesians 4.

Ephesians 4:2-3 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Here we see four attitudes which are essential when seeking to maintain or restore unity: (1) humility, (2) gentleness, (3) patience, and (4) love that motivates us to put up with one another. Even if we follow the steps which Christ gave us, we can undermine the effectiveness of the process if we are proud or harsh or impatient or unloving.

5. We are quick to speak and slow to listen.

James, inspired by the Holy Spirit, urges us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19 NIV). In the midst of a conflict we often are the opposite. We are quick to speak. We want our side of the story to be heard first and to be heard most. We want to make our case. We might cut the other person off repeatedly. Even if we let them talk, we might be so angry that we don’t really hear what they are saying. We want to control the conversation. This is one reason that if a private meeting does not resolve the conflict, meeting with one or two other mature Christians can help a lot. They can help each party to slow down and listen.

6.  If a conflict gets to the fourth step, some churches are unwilling or poorly prepared to carry out church discipline.

Conflicts between Christians should rarely get to the third and fourth steps, which require the involvement of the church. But it’s important that churches be willing and prepared to be involved when necessary. And as painful as it is, it is important to be willing to carry out church discipline when it is called for. Churches may feel like they are keeping peace and unity by not carrying out church discipline. But by not following the instructions of Jesus they end up creating a setting where sins and conflicts can fester for years and erode the effectiveness of ministry.

And many more . . .

Besides the above six ways that we mess up the peacemaking process which Jesus taught us there are many more ways it can go wrong. Sometimes a person is unwilling to forgive. Other times the one who sinned will wrongly think that forgiveness always means an instant and complete restoration of trust with no consequences. Sometimes there is not true repentance. Some people are not willing to allow love to cover a multitude of sins. They make molehills into mountains. They are too confrontational. Other people lack courage. They fear any confrontation. They allow another’s sin to continue to seriously harm people. Some people like to talk way too much. Others clam up and won’t say a thing even when they should. Some are too judgmental, while others lack discernment.

It’s hard work, but it’s worth it!

Is there any hope of getting peacemaking right? Yes! It’s not easy. It takes hard work and a lot of patience. Any Christian can and should attempt the first step of a private meeting (there are a few cases, like sexual abuse, when a private meeting between the sinner and the one sinned against is not appropriate). From the second step on, mature, godly, Holy Spirit filled Christians should be sought out to help with the process.

I’ve seen the peacemaking process work and produce wonderful fruit. Peacemaking is essential to unity in any ministry or church. Unity is essential to teamwork where members with different gifts serve together. Holy Spirit empowered teamwork leads to the growth of individual Christians as well as the growth of the Church. So, yes, peacemaking is hard, often messy, work. But the results are worth it!


“Blessed are the peacemakers . . .” – Jesus Christ (Matthew 5:9).





Hebrews 13:16 And do not forget to do good and to share with others . . .

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