It’s amazing how much wisdom Jesus can pack into a few words. One
example is the directions He gives us in Matthew 18:15-17:
Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and
rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.
16 But if he won't
listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three
witnesses every fact may be established.
17 If
he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn't pay attention
even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.
In just a few sentences, Jesus teaches us
what to do when people sin against us. He gives us a method of conflict
resolution. This method applies to a wide range of personal conflicts in many settings.
The method involves taking 4 steps in order. If resolution is reached during
one of the steps, the process ends. The four steps are:
1. A private meeting just between you and the
other person.
2. A small group meeting with the two of you
and one or two other people.
3. Informing the church. This step usually
will begin by asking for help from leaders in the church.
4. Breaking off normal fellowship and
relationship with the person in error who refuses to listen.
It sounds simple until you try to actually walk through these
steps with real people in painful, complex situations. Then you quickly learn
how many different ways we can mess up four simple steps. I’ve seen these
mistakes, and I’ve made many of them myself.
Common Conflict
Resolution Errors:
1. We
immediately jump to the last step without first going through the other three
steps.
This is probably the most common error. Someone offends us in some
way. We then effectively cut off our relationship with them. We avoid them and
we avoid talking with them. We are treating them “like an unbeliever and a tax
collector”, but we haven’t done the hard work Jesus commands us to do in steps
1, 2, and 3. This harms unity in the body of Christ.
2. We
involve too many people too soon.
A quick look at the steps reveals a basic principle. We should try
to resolve a conflict by involving as few people as possible. When someone
hurts us, we may feel tempted to talk to many people other than the person who
hurt us. We may do this on the phone, via social media, or when we meet people
at church or Walmart. We become gossips.
We seek to get other people on our side and to get them to be “against”
the person we are in conflict with. We do all this without first meeting with
the person in private and then meeting in a small group.
3. We
start the steps, but we give up on the process before we finish the steps.
Restoring and maintaining peace and unity in the family of God
often takes a lot of work. The Bible repeatedly urges us to “make every effort”
to maintain peace. But we often get frustrated after attempting one or two of
the steps and then give up.
4. We do the steps, but not with the right
attitudes.
A key passage about maintaining unity in the body of Christ is
found in Ephesians 4.
Ephesians 4:2-3 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with
one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through
the bond of peace.
Here we see four attitudes which are essential
when seeking to maintain or restore unity: (1) humility, (2) gentleness, (3)
patience, and (4) love that motivates us to put up with one another. Even if we
follow the steps which Christ gave us, we can undermine the effectiveness of
the process if we are proud or harsh or impatient or unloving.
5. We are quick to speak and slow to listen.
James, inspired by the Holy Spirit, urges us
to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19
NIV). In the midst of a conflict we often are the opposite. We are quick to
speak. We want our side of the story to be heard first and to be heard most. We
want to make our case. We might cut the other person off repeatedly. Even if we
let them talk, we might be so angry that we don’t really hear what they are
saying. We want to control the conversation. This is one reason that if a
private meeting does not resolve the conflict, meeting with one or two other
mature Christians can help a lot. They can help each party to slow down and
listen.
6. If a conflict gets to the fourth
step, some churches are unwilling or poorly prepared to carry out church
discipline.
Conflicts between Christians should rarely
get to the third and fourth steps, which require the involvement of the church.
But it’s important that churches be willing and prepared to be involved when
necessary. And as painful as it is, it is important to be willing to carry out
church discipline when it is called for. Churches may feel like they are
keeping peace and unity by not carrying out church discipline. But by not
following the instructions of Jesus they end up creating a setting where sins
and conflicts can fester for years and erode the effectiveness of ministry.
And many more . . .
Besides the above six ways that we mess up
the peacemaking process which Jesus taught us there are many more ways it can
go wrong. Sometimes a person is unwilling to forgive. Other times the one who
sinned will wrongly think that forgiveness always means an instant and complete
restoration of trust with no consequences. Sometimes there is not true
repentance. Some people are not willing to allow love to cover a multitude of
sins. They make molehills into mountains. They are too confrontational. Other
people lack courage. They fear any confrontation. They allow another’s sin to
continue to seriously harm people. Some people like to talk way too much. Others
clam up and won’t say a thing even when they should. Some are too judgmental,
while others lack discernment.
It’s hard work, but it’s worth it!
Is there any hope of getting peacemaking
right? Yes! It’s not easy. It takes hard work and a lot of patience. Any
Christian can and should attempt the first step of a private meeting (there are
a few cases, like sexual abuse, when a private meeting between the sinner and
the one sinned against is not appropriate). From the second step on, mature,
godly, Holy Spirit filled Christians should be sought out to help with the
process.
I’ve seen the peacemaking process work and
produce wonderful fruit. Peacemaking is essential to unity in any ministry or
church. Unity is essential to teamwork where members with different gifts serve
together. Holy Spirit empowered teamwork leads to the growth of individual
Christians as well as the growth of the Church. So, yes, peacemaking is hard,
often messy, work. But the results are worth it!
“Blessed are the
peacemakers . . .” – Jesus Christ (Matthew 5:9).
Hebrews 13:16 And do not forget to do good and to share with others . . .
