As homosexuality is increasingly accepted, celebrated, and
promoted throughout our culture, Christians frequently face issues related
to homosexual actions and desires. The same applies to LGBTQ issues in general.
Some of these issues are painful, difficult, and complex. Here are some
examples:
1. What should a Christian do if they find they have homosexual
desires that they do not want, and yet even with great effort (prayer, fasting,
counseling, Bible meditation, and more) these desires do not go away?
2. How should other Christians respond to, counsel, and relate to a
Christian with homosexual desires?
3. What should we do if a son or daughter comes out to us as being
gay?
4. How should we respond to a LGBTQ person who visits our church?
5. What if an openly and obviously gay couple wants to attend our
church?
6. And many, many more. For example, “What if my son or daughter comes
out as LGBTQ?” is not a one time question. It will result many hundreds of
questions and difficult decisions.
There are many situations and details and stories. The particulars
of each situation, the background, the heart motives, and the people involved,
are all important. However, there is one broad principle which can help us
think through many specific issues that might come up:
Treat homosexuality like any other sin.
This is not a simple principle because dealing with sin of any
kind is not simple! But while it is not simple, I think it is helpful. Of
course, this principle is based on an assumption. That assumption is that
homosexual acts are always sinful acts and homosexual desires are sinful
desires. I will provide a brief defense of this assumption later in this post,
but first I want to give some examples of how the principle stated above can
help us to think clearly and make good decisions when dealing with issues
related to homosexuality.
When applying this principle, I think it will help to compare how
we respond to homosexual sins with how we respond to some specific other sins.
No two sins are precisely alike, but the sin of a man having sex with a woman
who is not his wife is similar to homosexual sin because both sins are sexual
in nature. However, other sins, like substance abuse, can also provide useful
analogies. Substance abuse, once started, involves very intense desires which
are difficult to suppress, and this is similar to the experience of some who
struggle with homosexual sin.
With this in mind, let’s look at three examples of how to apply
the above principle.
Example 1: Unwanted Desires
A Christian finds they have unwanted, persistent sexual desires
for people of the same sex. They honestly do not want these desires. They beg
God to remove the desires, but the desires are still there. They fast, and
meditate on relevant Scriptures, and receive Christian counseling, but the
desires are still there. At this point should they conclude that perhaps God created
them to be homosexual and go ahead to pursue same sex relationships that could
lead to a homosexual marriage and having sexual intimacy with a partner who is
the same sex as them?
Applying the principle:
First, we should not be shocked if sinful homosexual desires do not always
go away despite sincere efforts to get rid of them. The same is true for other
sinful desires. For example, many Christian men have wrong,
sinful desires to have sex with women other than their wife. They know the
desire is wrong. They hate it. With God's help they guard against acting on it.
If God gave them a magic switch to turn the desire off, they would gladly turn
it off in an instant. But the desire keeps popping up. It can be weakened, but
even after years it does not entirely go away. In this scenario, would any
Christian advise the man to go ahead and have sex with women other than his
wife? Of course, not! Neither should a Christian with homosexual desires go
ahead and have sex with a person of the same sex. Some might object that the
situation is not the same because a married Christian has a legitimate outlet
for some of his sexual desire even if he or she has to say no to other, wrong sexual
desires. But that is not always true. A man’s wife may not be able to have sex
for long periods of time if she has a prolonged illness. Or perhaps she simply
loses interest in sex. Is the husband free to force her to have sex? Of course,
not! And what about Christian singles who still long for sexual intimacy? Some would
rejoice to find a good marriage partner, but that has not been God’s will for
them. The point is that all Christians must sometimes say no to persistent,
wrong desires. For some this battle is more intense than for others, but the
intensity of the battle never justifies giving in as a strategy.
One further point. Most sinful desires of any
type will be significantly weakened over time if we do not feed them in any way
and if we consistently seek God and His truth. And sometimes Christian counseling
and prayer do significantly help with any type of sinful desire or habit. It’s
not an all or nothing situation when it comes to seeking freedom from wrong
desires. And that’s true for all types of wrong desires: whether it is wanting
to eat too many donuts or wanting to have sex with someone outside of God’s
will.
Example #2: A Homosexual in Your Church
Should you allow a homosexual in your church? Well, would you
allow an adulterer in your church? It depends. First, there’s not even a
decision to be made until you know that someone is a homosexual or an adulterer.
Then, you have to ask, why is the person here? Are they here to seek God, His
truth, His help, and His mercy? Then of course we welcome them and support
them! Do they want you to approve of their open, continuing sin? Of course, we
cannot do that. Are they trying to get free from sin, but sometimes stumble? We
want to help! Do they object that they do not need to try to get free because
they aren’t doing anything wrong? We can’t affirm that or support it. If a man
showed up to church with his young secretary whom he just left his faithful
wife and kids for, and you knew it and so did other people in the church, would
you allow the adulterers to participate as members in good standing? I hope
not! Why should it be different if a gay couple shows up together?
I’m not saying that we should handle every case of homosexuality
in the church precisely the same in every detail as every case of adultery. But
in general, we should treat homosexuality like we treat other sins.
Example #3: Your Child Comes out as LGBTQ
This example is so painful. I have prayed with and for couples who
are good friends and very faithful, godly Christians who have experienced this.
The principle still applies. Imagine your adult child was committing adultery.
Would you still love them? Of course! Would you ever support their adulterous
actions? I sure hope not. Would there be very painful and agonizing struggles
where you sought God’s will on discerning the line between giving patient grace
and love on the one hand and enabling sin and rebellion on the other? Yes. What
if your son wanted to visit and have a meal with you and he wanted to bring the
lady he was committing adultery with? You might say yes if you thought it would
be an opportunity to provide firm loving biblical counsel, but this would be a
tough call since it would probably be more effective to talk to your son alone.
But what if the whole purpose of the meal was to celebrate his new
relationship? After all, he explains that he just can’t help loving her, and
love can’t be wrong, can it?
A Different Perspective
Many people today have a radically different way of viewing
homosexuality than what I have described above. They do not view it as a sin at
all. It’s not surprising that the world thinks this way, but there are many
Christians (at least they self-identify as Christians) and even Christian
leaders who think it is wrong and hurtful to treat homosexuality like we treat
other sins. This post was prompted in part by listening to a very popular
(almost a million views as I write this) TEDx talk by a Christian who believes
LGBTQ people should be affirmed and accepted. She seems to believe that their
desires should not be treated as sinful desires and their homosexual actions
should not be treated as sinful actions. But she doesn’t state it quite this
way in her talk. In fact, the issue of sin is barely mentioned. Her sixteen
minute talk is here: Why I chose my LGBTQ daughter over the
evangelical church by Susan Cottrell.
So, what do I find wrong with Susan’s talk? A lot! I’ll include
references to the approximate time in the video when she made a comment so you
can listen to it in context if you want.
Susan: “After 20 years of
being in the evangelical church, I believed being gay was somehow wrong” (3:05)
Susan does not even attempt to show any biblical evidence that the
evangelical church is wrong to view homosexuality as sinful. Below, I lay out
briefly the biblical evidence that shows that evangelicals are correct to view
homosexual actions as sinful actions and homosexual desires as wrong desires.
Susan: “I was being asked
to choose between the two most important parts of my life: my child and my
church” (3:53)
This sounds terrible. But Susan does not explain specifically what
she means by this. Did the church tell her she had to disown her daughter? I
doubt it. (I’ve read some of her blog posts.) Did they tell her to hate her
daughter? Not likely. Were they unwilling to affirm her daughter’s homosexual
behavior as good and acceptable in God’s eyes? Probably, but that is far
different from asking her to choose between her church and her daughter. The truth
is we don’t know for sure what she meant by having to choose because she is vague.
She has excellent communication skills, so perhaps she is intentionally vague.
There’s a deeper issue here. No one wants to have to choose
between God and a family member. In Susan’s case it is not clear to me who, if
anyone, was forcing her to make such a choice or specifically what that means.
By being vague she can paint the evangelical church as a villain. But there are
times when people do in fact have to choose between family and God. We saw this
while living in a Muslim majority nation. When a Muslim came to faith in
Christ, I never knew a single case where they wanted to leave their family. But
there were cases where the family forced them to choose and threw them out if
they did not renounce their faith in Christ. Could it be that sometimes it is
the homosexual son or daughter who insists that their family/church either
affirm their homosexual lifestyle or else they are leaving? If we are forced to
choose between God and family, what should we do? Jesus addresses this very
clearly. He expects us to choose Him.
The one who loves a father or mother more
than me is not worthy of me; the one who loves a son or daughter more than me
is not worthy of me. And whoever doesn't take up his cross and follow me is not
worthy of me. - Jesus (Matthew 10:37-38 CSB17)
Throughout the talk Susan paints a false dichotomy. Based on her
talk, one would think that any Christian parent who has a child come out as
LGBTQ has one of two choices.
(1) Fully affirm your child’s LGBTQ actions and desires, never
hint that these might be wrong or sinful, and leave your evangelical church.
(2) Throw your child down the steps, yell at them in public that
God hates them, and completely disown them from your life.
That’s an absurd false dichotomy. It is also insulting to
evangelical parents who believe homosexuality is sinful and yet continue to passionately
love their children who come out as LGBTQ. I know many evangelical Christians
from literally around the world and from many evangelical groups. I have never
heard any of them condone anything remotely resembling the wrong, hateful ways that
Susan describes some parents acting towards their LGBTQ children. She doesn’t
explicitly say that the parents who allegedly did these things were
evangelicals, but that is the feeling one gets listening to her talk.
(Remember, the title of her talk is about why she chose her LGBTQ daughter over
the evangelical church, which implies that the stories she tells are relevant
to this question.)
I know evangelical couples who have had one or more children come
out as LGBTQ. These couples never for a second stopped loving their children. Neither
did they affirm homosexual actions as acceptable or pleasing in God’s eyes. They
patiently, gracefully, loved their children despite their sin. It involved
multitudes of painful decisions and some hard conversations. But there was
nothing at all like the horror stories that Susan told.
So, is Susan right? Or are evangelicals who believe like me right?
It depends on whether or not homosexuality is sinful.
Is it a sin?
Like most Christians throughout the history of the church, I believe
that the Bible teaches that any sexual activity outside of a marriage between
one biological man and one biological woman is forbidden by God and sinful. The
Bible specifically treats homosexuality as a sin. Here are the main passages
which directly address homosexuality:
1. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19 is partly about
homosexual sin. Jude makes it clear that God’s judgment was, at least in part,
due to the sexual sin and perversion of the people there:
CSB17 Jude 1:7
Likewise, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns committed sexual
immorality and perversions, and serve as an example by undergoing the
punishment of eternal fire.
Notice that while it is true that the
citizens of Sodom were violent, which made their sin far more severe, it is not
their violence, but the sexual nature of their sin, which Jude is inspired to
emphasize. It is true that Sodom had other sins as well which cried out for
judgment (see Ezekiel 16:49), but those other sins do not make homosexuality
irrelevant. Jude was not wrong when he emphasized Sodom’s perversion as a
reason for its destruction.
2. God’s law as given through Moses twice explicitly
condemns homosexuality:
CSB17 Leviticus
18:22 You are not to sleep with a man as with a woman; it is detestable.
CSB17 Leviticus
20:13 If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a
detestable act. They must be put to death; their death is their own fault.
Some of the laws in Leviticus do not apply today, while others
condemn things that are still sinful today. How do we know which is which? The
clearest case is when something that is condemned in Leviticus is also condemned
in the New Testament. Homosexuality is also condemned in the New Testament.
3. Paul condemns both male and female homosexuality in Romans.
Romans 1:26-27 For this reason God delivered
them over to disgraceful passions. Their women exchanged natural sexual
relations for unnatural ones. The men in the same way also left natural
relations with women and were inflamed in their lust for one another. Men
committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the
appropriate penalty of their error.
Not only does Paul here condemn both male and female homosexual
acts, he also identifies homosexual desires (passions) as unnatural and
disgraceful in in God’s eyes. In this way, homosexual desires are like other sinful
desires.
4. Homosexuality is included in two lists of sinful activities.
CSB17 1
Corinthians 6:9-10 Don't you know that the unrighteous will not inherit God's
kingdom? Do not be deceived: No sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers,
or males who have sex with males, no thieves, greedy people, drunkards,
verbally abusive people, or swindlers will inherit God's kingdom.
CSB17 1 Timothy
1:9-10 We know that the law is not meant for a righteous person, but for the
lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinful, for the unholy and
irreverent, for those who kill their fathers and mothers, for murderers, for
the sexually immoral and homosexuals, for slave traders, liars, perjurers, and
for whatever else is contrary to the sound teaching
The fact that homosexuality is included in lists of a broad range
of sins supports the principle of treating homosexuality like other sins. That’s
the main point of this post.
It should be noted that in addition to the passages above which
explicitly identify homosexuality as sinful, there are other ways in which the
Bible shows God does not approve of homosexuality. All positive examples of
marriage and discussion and instructions about marriage in the Bible refer to a
marriage between a man and a woman. The New Testament standards for leaders
include being “the husband of one wife.” The Greek behind this statement points
to one man and one woman. Further, there is not a single positive example of
any type of LGBTQ behavior from Genesis to Revelation.
Conclusion
Homosexual actions and desires raise many difficult issues for
Christians. Recognizing that homosexual acts are sinful acts and homosexual
desires are sinful desires will help Christians work though painful situations.
A key principle is to treat homosexuality basically the same way the Bible
teaches us to treat other sins. This principle doesn’t make tough decisions
easy or make complex situations simple, but it does give us guidance that is
based on God’s Word.
Here are some other posts that discuss other sexual sins and/or resisting
temptation and dealing with sin in general:
Hebrews 13:16 And do not forget to do good and to share with others . . .
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